This is what it's like to be me.

Okay well…I didn’t do it. I didn’t return the cereal or the Zbars but I can honestly say I ate way less sugar today than usual. And I opted out of getting a big cookie at Starbucks twice. (Cause there’s one on every corner and it’s very easy to just pull over and before you know it you have a chocolate chunk in your mouth.)

Actually today I spent the entire day trying to save Akua’s life. Literally from 2 – 7 pm I was involved in feline activities. First the vet, then the pet store to get some new food that she won’t be allergic to. When I got back to the car Akua was actually panting because it was so hot. Poor little thing. I have never seen a cat pant before. It’s kind of scary. So, I raced home to realize that the new food was not so new, actually it was expired and so back to the pet store to beg the 16 year old girl to just give me 4 small bags since they don’t have 1 big bag of the food that I want. That took about ½ an hour. And some how I ended up having to pay $.25. Which made no sense but I didn’t want to spend another ½ hour at the pet store and my stomach was growling.

So I took a detour and stopped at my neighborhood Indian restaurant, where I ordered Chicken Vindaloo, which unbeknownst to me, has cream in it. The owners were very nice and exchanged it for Chicken Masala and I was happy.

So I guess even though I spent a large part of the day trying to save Akua’s life, I was still saving my own life because, let’s face it she is a huge part of my life.

And now here I am at home it’s 8pm and now I’m supposed to sing. I’m too full and I’m too tired and I’m everything but wanting to sing in this moment. And this makes me feel like a failure and this happens everyday. And I guess this is what happens when you have so little time to do something you love so very much. It becomes pressured, unnatural, it becomes a “should.” A “supposed to.” A source of guilt, panic, anxiety, avoidance…

Okay wait. Let me not assume that everyone else is neurotic as me.

Rewind. This is what happens when you have so little time to do something you love so very much, and you’re very neurotic. Actually, if I could extract the neurosis from my life I think my life would be 80% easier and 100% more enjoyable. So, I’ve come to an important point. In order to save my life I need to become less neurotic. Done. Check. Yeah right.

Hey! Maybe I could use my neurosis to become less neurotic. LET’S MAKE A LIST!

Things that I do to avoid playing music, because I feel guilty, afraid, incapable, suffocated, frustrated, useless, mediocre, disconnected and disappointed. These are listed in order of preference and sometimes occur simultaneously.

1) Eat

2) Watch TV

3) Have Sex. (not lately. It’s been like a year)

4) Set my mind to believe I’m fat, and then work out for endless hours at the gym.

5) Sleep

6) Convince myself I have stomach cancer and then read about it on Web MD.

YAY! This is what its like to be me every day. Don’t you want to date me? No? F U!

Here’s to saving my life, ASAP.