Seriously though....

i.

I am expressing myself now.

Self expression is essential to truly being alive and I have decided to save my life.

On a surface level it seems that I’m a vocal person. I sing, I write, I play instruments. These are my voices. But the truth is that I’ve been silent for a very long time. And I now know why that is.

The problem is that I have this internal editor, which has gotten completely out of control. At first we were friends. We’d go shopping. It would help me write great poems without the fluff, an entire song in one hour. It was the invisible side-kick in my brain helping me not to say inappropriate things in public. You know, that necessary internal censor that keeps some of us out of jail.

But at some point, my little side-kick saw that I had come to a really fearful and fragile place in life. It stepped forward to protect me because no one else was around. Or because I hid from everyone around. The side kick turned in to a wall at best. At worst a sadistic parent beating me into submission...for my own good. And then began the landslide.

My heart closed for fear of loving and looking like a fool, leaving only my body available.

My body, harboring a stopped heart, floating like a discarded corpse bruised by an indifferent sea…of men.

My range of emotions narrowed because somehow I reasoned that it was inappropriate or unbearable to feel certain things. And my lips sealed because I had too many unexpected stories, ideas, grievances, and shades of genius that I was afraid would fall out if I opened my mouth. And then of course, I would be attacked.

ii.

It’s easy to be quiet when you are alone all of the time. And so…I find myself alone all of the time. Most of the time I don’t even know what to say to people. Or I simply don’t get people. A lot of people aren’t telling the truth even though they have a lot to say. I’m saying… many people are full of shit, and a lot of it. Just start paying attention. As for me, I decided I wouldn’t say much if there wasn’t a safe place to say the truth. My truth. I’m not aloof. It’s not that I don’t care, rather it’s that I’ve never known how to create a space where my reality can be delivered and pretending makes me puke. Pretending has made me like this, and still:

The silence is the cause of my suffocated creativity. This fear is why my heart aches and why I hold my breath at night and in the morning I wake to realize that I haven’t slept. This way of living will kill me.

I am expressing myself now because there is no other option. I am expressing myself now because self-expression is essential to living and I have decided to save my life.

Sidekick: But this is too much, don’t you feel guilty? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Akosua Miracle: Shut up. I’m not sorry if you don’t like it. I’m not sorry if it’s not always pretty or funny. I am only sorry that I’ve been quiet for so long.

Life Saving Activity:

3) Create a new internal sidekick if the one you have isn’t serving you anymore.

Some ideas:

A fairy

A genie

A cheerleader

Don’t worry. It’s not psychotic, just don’t talk to your sidekick in public.